sunglasses a cheap can of lager a split lip

when I was very sick I knew exactly who k was. I spat at him when he took my pulse. I remember that passage – took my pulse, stole a kiss, fucker
wanna play doctors and nurses?
He fucked me as I drifted in and out of consciousness. You’re burning up, he giggles. It’s so hot inside you and I knew exactly who he was.
All the time I wanted to want him more, like there would be nothing else in my life, like I would fuck myself to death, or whatever. I was very romantic. I don’t know what he wanted;it was beside the point.
if I move my arm in this way - certain gestures or expressions, I think, these are not mine. I have taken so much from him that I can hardly believe he continues to exist. jack lies on the bed, digs his knuckles into his eyes, yawns
the Captain kicks the prisoner in his side ‘til he vomits, curled up in a ball turns him over delicately with his bare toes – giggles helplessly
he reaches for me first thing in the morning and I hiss at him before I am even awake, before I remember who I am.
through the afternoon I watch the video clip that used to be my obsession – just 10 or 15 seconds or so, k and joey on the balcony at frederick’s flat some late summer sunshine white shirts. Go away, joey says, stop filming us. Their almost legendary state of togetherness, joey laughing, makes an ambiguous gesture with his left hand - k drinking gin from a blue glass. played over and over until it attained the quality of a persistent nightmare. I also have a photograph I took in the park when he played in some band, he has:
sunglasses a cheap can of lager a split lip. he is saying no, I’ve never taken heroin, it makes me throw up.
He didn’t look anything like a real person, especially when his lip started to bleed.
I think one time, the time when I was really sick, he held me by the forehead whilst I threw up. I couldn’t look at him for hours. It was just water he said not even gross at all looked up half smiled it’s only stuff from your body, it’s like spit or blood or sperm – it really doesn’t bother me . I wanted to say: you wouldn’t want my vomit in your mouth would you? but I really don’t want to know. So I say I want to come to the party instead.
but you’re sick
I’m kind of better now
I sit up and the room only sort of spins i’ll be ok, can I have some more vitamins? he’s looking at his feet in the mirror.
they’re not really vitamins you know and he tries to catch me as I fall but misses.